Maui has two luxurious coasts; Kaanapali to the West, Wailea to the South. While Kaanapali (say that real fast, three times) is open and spacious, the resorts of Wailea are snug, comfortable.

The number of “fat women” statues will surprise even skinny folks.

The Grand Wailea Resort and Spa opened as the world’s most expensive hotel in 1991 as the Hyatt Regency Grand Wailea Resort and Spa.

The resort went on it’s own in the mid 90s as a slow economy rippled management changes throughout Maui’s hospitality industry.

“The Grand Wailea managed to win a place in the hearts of every visitor.”The Grand Wailea, with it’s pristine crescent shaped beach, lovely and elegant waterfalls, spacious lawn and landscaping, and delightful pool and water slide area (the best on Maui, if not the best in Hawaii), managed to win a place in the hearts of every visitor.

And they owe it all not to elegance, opulence, wide-eyed honeymooners, but to fat women. Uh huh. Fat women.

Where would you expect the world’s most expensive hotel to put some of that expense? Accommodations? Sure. There’s a couple of thousand rooms; or so it seems.

Waterfalls? Yep. Elegant and breathtaking. What else? Rocks from Mount Fuji in Japan. 10,000 tropical plants, Hawaii’s largest and most expensive hotel suite (5,500 square feet but I couldn’t get a quote for a single night).

What about those fat women?

Did I mention the pools? While adults will love the spacious lawns and “adults only” pool, kids are not overlooked with a pool, flowing river stream, and canals, as well as a waterslide that’ll make your kids salivate. You’ll never see it. But they’ll salivate. The pool and slides are cool.

Fat women?

“Not as luxurious as the Big Island’s Hualalai, but a wonderful experience for anyone; adult couples, families.”Restaurants? They’re everywhere and they’re good. Service is quick and discreet. The menu is varied and the staff actually seems to care about your needs. The breakfast buffet at the Grand Wailea is just like Liz Taylor (a tad overweight but with violet eyes to die for)—delicious.

And the Spa—Spa Grande to be precise—is 50,000 square feet of fat melting paradise right in the middle of paradise. You’ve never been treated so well, no matter how many times you’ve been married. It’s the perfect blend of European, Japanese, and American spa techniques (whatever that is). Spend any time in the Spa and there’ll be less of you to go around.

That brings me to the fat women of the Grand Wailea.

Sprinkled all around the Grand Wailea’s lobby area (yes, you can get lost here—staring at all the fat women will dull your senses and you’ll need assistance to get back to your room) are huge statues of fat folks; most fat women.

And fat is being kind.

Ostensibly, the statues are, uh, well, replicas of polynesian women of the past. Hawaiian women a century ago were considered beautiful by overindulging in poi, lau lau, and Little Debbie Snak Cakes. They were, uh, large. Very large. Large like you haven’t seen. Ever.

Normally slender and petite Japanese women tourists gawk insatiably at the huge statues (bronze, I think—not life sized; I hope).

The statues picture a Hawaii au natural that the missionaries from 150 years ago refused to admit existed. Or, if they did, didn’t say much about it.  The statues are part of the $30 million price tag for original art; produced only for the Grand Wailea.

You won’t see these fat women anywhere else.

Summary: The Grand Wailea remains one of Hawaii’s best resorts. Not as luxurious as the Big Island’s Hualalai, but a wonderful experience for anyone; adult couples, families.

Pros: Beautiful; art, rooms, scenery, beach, pools, dining. All top rated.

Cons: Large. Expect to walk. Plenty. And pay for the privilege of visiting Wailea. Plenty.

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