I can’t picture Waylon Jennings staying at a Hyatt. The original Ramblin’ Man (may he rest in peace) would have been more comfortable at the Hilo Hukilau, although I’m sure he never stayed there. Fortunately, I’ve stayed many enjoyable nights at the Hyatts in Hawaii.

Unfortunately, I spent a week one night at the Hilo Hukilau.

It wasn’t that I wanted to. I just didn’t know what I was getting into. You see, way back, many moons ago, I had the pleasure of honeymooning (when you add the “ing” to the end it doesn’t sound right, does it?—it’s like you’re mooning someone you love—or used to) in Hawaii. We decided to tour Maui and the Big Island.

The new Hyatt Regency Maui had just opened. Without a doubt, this was the classiest, most expensive resort in all of Hawaii. Water slide. Cave in pool. Bar in cave. Beach front. Elegant dining at the Swan Court Restaurant (dining can only be described as elegant when you use the word “swan”—it wouldn’t have the same ring to it if it had been named The Range Chicken Grill).

You get the picture. We had three days of marital bliss. Yes, I know marital bliss doesn’t really last that long, but we were preoccupied, and my wife has large, protruding lips—that extended the bliss an extra day or so. The Hyatt folks serviced our every beck and call. Room service. Beach front activities and amenities. Late checkout.

Everyone’s first few days of marriage would get better by starting at a world class resort as the Hyatt Regency Maui was in those days.

Then we flew to the Big Island and stayed at the Hilo Hukilau. Hilo is the largest comatose city on the Big Island. To say life is slow in Hilo is to say Bill Clinton likes interns.

Hilo is very slow.

Life at the Hilo Hukilau was even slower. No carpet. Tile. Well, not tile as in “marble” tile. Tile as in linoleum.

Comfy? Uh uh. Inexpensive? Yes. I think my wife, who booked the hotel, wanted me to get off the bliss truck and get with reality—this was her way of saying, “Honey, you’re home!”

The next morning I put on my slipper to head out to breakfast. Suddenly I was moving across the room without actually moving my legs. I had stepped on a large cockroach instead of my slipper (yes, they’re that big on the Big Island—everything is bigger there) and was being carried across the room.

Ouch.

At that point, I moved the luggage to higher ground, tossed a Pop Tart to the floor and beat a path to the door. The #### roach was busy trying to get through the Pop Tart’s foil wrapper.

We were safe. For awhile.

Did we go back? Yes. To the Hyatt and Swan Court, to celebrate 14 happy years of marriage. 14 of 23 isn’t bad, right? No. Not back to the Hilo Hukilau.

Want to know the best places to eat in Hawaii? Click over to Ono Dining for totally biased reviews on Hawai's best (and not so best) restaurants.