OK, where’s Hana? It’s on Maui. How do you get there? Pull out your intestines and sling ‘em to the floor. It’ll look just like a map of the road to Hana, Maui.

It’s all twisty, and curvy, with hairpin turns, and narrow constrictions, and bumps in the road— similar to those two Krispy Kremes you had this morning.

I lied about Crosby and Hope. Crosby died in 1977. Hope is gone, too (no bad pun intended). The “road” stories are with us, too, at the neighborhood Blockbuster Video store.

Unfortunately, you won’t find “On The Road To Hana” among Blockbuster’s stacks of tapes and DVDs.

It would make a great movie. Maybe I should produce it. It’d compete with the likes of On the Road to Singapore (1939), or On the Road to Zanzibar (1940—wherever the heck that is), and many others.

I could get Freddie Prinz to be Hope. Harry Connick would be Crosby. Jennifer Lopez would be Dorothy Lamour.

Back to the road to Hana (sounds like a sequel already). Between Maui’s airport at Kahului and Hana (on the far southeast side of Maui; well below the slopes of Mount Haleakala) is a twisty, curvy, scary road that tourists love to take and locals love to hate.

Why is the road this way? Why is Dolly Parton that way? It just happened. The coastline is rough and craggy and the mountain range behind the road is steep so there wasn’t much room to build a road in the first place.

Local folks and celebrities who live in and around and near Hana really like the fact that it takes 3 to 4 freakin’ hours to drive the 53 miles and 617 turns. There’s also 56 one-lane bridges that sway precariously over shark-infested waters.***

Route 36 to Hana begins at Kahului Airport.

The first visible sign that you’re leaving civilization and heading into treacherous jungle is the sand sweep of Baldwin Beach Park. Not far away is the first town of consequence, Paia. It’s convenient because it’s also the last town of consequence on the way to Hana. And the last gas on the way to Hana (not including byproducts of the chili burrito at Mama’s Fish House in Paia).

“Last Gas on the way to Hana (not including byproducts of the chili burrito at Mama’s Fish House in Paia)”Along the way, assuming you maintain consciousness, you’ll be treated by cascading waterfalls, lush mountain scenery and a list of stops that will only serve to make your 3 to 4 hour trip even longer.

Along the way:

Garden of Eden Arboretum and Botanical Garden (change drivers here)

Puohokamoa Falls (at mile 11)

Keanae Arboretum (Free, open 24 hours a day)

You know, there’s a lot of arboretums in Hawaii. I guess things grow so well that all you need to do is throw some seed on the ground and put up a sign, “Kimo’s Arboretum & Surfboard Rentals”. Something like that.

Waikani Falls (ponds and streams; great for a picnic or recuperation)

Puaa Kaa State Wayside Park

Waianapanapa State Park (say the name correctly three times and receive a prize).

Rules: Kids who say, “Are we there yet?” are allowed to be abandoned at the nearest 7-11 store. It’s legal in Hawaii.

What’ll you get once you arrive at the sleepy little village of Hana, Maui following your treacherous 3 to 5 hour journey (I told you there’d be stops along the way)? First, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief.

You’ve accomplished something magnificent. You’ve driven to Hana. Then, you’ll develop some indigestion and a headache. Remember, you’re only halfway. You now need to drive back.

In the meantime you’ll enjoy quaint and quiet Hawaii as it was meant to be. Difficult to get to, pleasant to stay, painful to leave.

*** (Just kidding; it’s deadly piranha)

Want to know the best places to eat in Hawaii? Click over to Ono Dining for totally biased reviews on Hawai's best (and not so best) restaurants.

Just let me say, Hana is one of our favorite places. The Garden of Eden is breathtaking and definitely heaven. Walking through the bamboo forest and listening to the clicking of the stalks, is the most relaxing and soothing experience I think we've ever experienced. Walking over othe black sands. Wow. But my favorite, was stopping in Hana, and mingling with the locals. What great people. The salt of the earth. There isn't any better place to learn how to make coconut-candy. It was an experience of a life-time, we will never forget. And frankly, will likely keep coming back to.